Dollywood Diaries, Pt. 1: Dollywood Or Bust

In seven hours I am embarking on what is sure to be an epic road trip: Four big city fags trekking deep into the American South in search of good old-fashioned white trash fun. (Dollywood, Maker’s Mark Distillery, Forbidden Cavern, Gatlinburg, etc.) It will be filled with laughter, petty arguments, comedic misunderstandings with locals, wrong turns and life-changing epiphanies central to every road movie ever made. Either that or it’s going to end up like Deliverance. [Cue "Dueling Banjos.]

I have to confess that I’ve not spent much time in the South.(Does South Florida count?)  And like any Northerner, my perceptions might be slightly tainted by negative depictions on television, in film and, I dunno, the 2000 and 2004 presidential elections. I’m trying not to think about as going deep behind enemy lines. But if you’ve ever been an outsider traveling through the South, you definitely notice a lot of cultural differences. By which I mean, it feels like you’ve slipped into an alternate reality where the South won the “War or Northern Aggression”. I know that some of you out there (including at least one of my traveling companions) will definitely take issue with my characterization. But the differences are enough to make me feel like a stranger in a strange land.

Folks there are supposedly quite friendly. I’m hoping the term “southern hospitality” isn’t just an empty cliche. But as long as I have close confidantes by my side, it’ll make things more bearable. The cast of characters include:

Antony: My best friend and fellow booze-hound. He can’t decide what he’s more interested in seeing: Dollywood or the Maker’s Mark Distillery. I’m mapping out on  the quickest route from Kentucky to the Betty Ford Clinic just in case.

Candy Starr: A sweet and kind mid-30-ish guy. He’s the only one of us who has actually lived in the South. He seems to have an affinity for the Southern folk and will probably be the one most comfortable in our surroundings.

Jolene: The ageless leader of our troop. I say “leader” because it’s through his good fortune that we’re getting the rental car and lodging mostly for free this weekend. Joe is the opposite of Candy in that he loathes Southerners. Watch the sparks fly!

And then there’s me, your humble storyteller. I hope to keep up frequent, more-than-once a day short blog bursts through our five day trip. Of course that is all dependent on Internet availability and cell phone coverage in the Smoky Mountains.

More later as we  begin our journey…

-fin-