Personal Log #8: Better Living Through Chemistry

I could feel the change coming on. It was slow at first, but when it hit me it was as if I’d been run over by a rainbow-fueled Mack truck driven by Care Bears. Suddenly the black hole in my stomach closed up and I awoke from a very dark, disturbing nightmare. The cloud of depression has finally lifted.

As I chronicled on this blog, earlier this year I tried living life without antidepressants. This little experiment ended with me eventually  returning to the medication, and not a moment too soon.

I’m pleased to say that the results have been overwhelmingly positive. I felt the effects of the medication within two weeks of restarting it. Anyone who knows me can tell you that I am not always Patty Positivity in the first place, but the Wellbutrin always helped even me out. Although I’m not currently pooping rainbows, I can tell you that my mood is significantly improved. What’s even more noticeable to me are that the repetitive anxious thoughts have subsided or in the very least, I’m better at controlling them. When I feel one of those bats fluttering around my belfry, I simply shoo it out.

I wish I could remember the exact reason I decided to stop the meds. Was it the expense? Was it some paranoia about toxicity of being on these chemicals for 10 years? Was it a desire to feel more? Was it a combination of all those things and more? Whatever the case, I can tell you that it was probably misguided motivation. I feel like I’ve been under a dark spell or curse for the last six months. Instead of a prince’s kiss, it was a little yellow, oval-shaped pill that freed me from the darkness.

Now I’m floating in the wake of this emotional tidal wave, a tidal wave which I caused. I can’t speak for everyone. My own experiences are the only thing I have to go by. But let me just say this: If you’re considering going off of your medication, think about it long and hard. If it’s the expense you’re worried about, there’s plenty of options. (I get my drugs wholesale through Costco and save roughly 50%.) My advice would be to weigh the pros and cons thoroughly. Don’t ever let anyone tell you there’s something abnormal or wrong about taking antidepressants. Most important, try to remember what your life was like before the drugs.

Many elements of my life continue to be challenging. But for the first time in a long while I feel better able to cope with them. I feel a renewed sense of focus. That little bottle of sunshine has helped me see that some things are definitely not as bleak as they seemed. The veil has been snatched away and for the first time in a long time, I feel good. -fin-